Sometimes its hard to breath.

I'm so depressed.

I feel alone.

I feel like I don't fit into your life.

I'm at a point where I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I'm trying. But instead, I end up feeling like I'm a second thought, or I feel like I'm holding you back, or....something.

My heart is pain because I'm caught on this crossroad of I want to do and I can't do. Who I was, and what I will be.

I'm going to be a mother, someones whole world is going to depend on me, and its overwhelming.

I don't know where I am anymore.

I just know that if I'm going to fit into someone elses life... I come with a son. Its a package deal.

I don't think you're quite ready for that.

And it leaves me stuck, because I don't want to give you up....But I'm not going to ever leave my son, or make him an option, or second. It's all or nothing.

And yes, I'm mad, I'm angry because you leave for work in 7 days, and when you had 10 days left, you decided to go to some big event and made such a huge deal about it with everyone else, that I just don't even feel like I'm a piece of your life. Right now I feel like an option. A second rate one at that.

Today I hate everything, and almost everyone, and I'm angry, and afraid, and alone.

And there isnt anyone around that I feel like I can open up to here.

So fuck it. I'm going back to bed.

-S

I dispise this...

I really dislike when my personal space, and my things become an after thought. How hard is it to ask if its okay to take something I have bought and paid for? How hard is it to ask  if I have the extra resources to spare something for you?

Not that freaking hard.

And I don't think that its to much to ask, after all, lately off my measly wage I've been supporting a family of fucking seven, and I make less money than everyone else in the house, yet I'm the one with a fucking job.

I don't understand how it works, nor do I care to learn, I just want a little respect to be shown towards all the shit I do.

And everytime I open my mouth to say how I feel about something I get shit on because everyone else does more, or has more stress than me, or I'm just 'young' and don't understand how life works.

Fuck you, fuck off I don't understand how life works. Obviously I do if I'm not only paying my portions of bills and food and rent and other house hold items, but every one elses as well. Plus putting gas is everyone elses fucking cars and vans as well.

But no, I'm just young. And I'm just angry because I'm pregnant.

Fuck you.

I generally feel like I'd be more inclined to help out if other people had the means to do so as well. I mean thanks for cooking dinner for everyone with the groceries that I bought, but making me feel generally horrible about the fact that I'm eating it.

I forgot, I'm just here to serve every body elses needs. How I feel, or what I get for myself has no meaning to anyone else at all.

I do not think I am destined to say in this situation long.

I mean really, I just want to tell everyone off, and just disappear. Sometimes I honestly feel that I'd be better off struggling to get by as a single mother on my own then living in a house with these fuckers.

I feel utterly disrespected, and its bullshit. I could understand if it was just a bunch of random room-mates, vbut I mean come the fuck on. You're supposed to be my family. QUIT DRAGGING ME UNDER.

Fuck off. Fuck you.

And take everything I have, Till there is nothing left, Till it's just your voice in my head....

I know, Its been a few months, I SHOULD be able to keep up with this.

'Specially seeing how I've been off work since May 5th.

Tonight I'm uber sad. More sad, bitter and angry than usual.

I mean, who just, who does this to someone?! I suppose I could have taken the easy way out (as in abortion, or adoption)... But I just can't justify that to myself when I am perfectly capable.

It just hurts me to know that my son is going to grow up without a father.

I can imagine how hard it is for people who are 'single' parents, and they argue and fight about access and custody, but hey, atleast you have eachother to fight and argue about access and custody... I get to spend my childs life, secretly wondering if he is hurting inside because his father chose to run off and do drugs instead of being a decent human being. I get to wonder when, or if, my beautiful baby boy to be's father is going to show up and cause havoc in his poor innocent life.

Which is fine. I suppose. I mean, I'd rather have sperm donor gone. (yes, from now on I'm going to refer to him as a sperm donor, because any idiot can make a baby, a real father is the man who raises the child) I'd rather have him gone, and not in contact, than constantly harrassing me and using drugs around here, and causing general havoc for everyone and everything.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I'm going to have a son! I've been told he is happy and healthy and everything seems to be going great! I have a wonderful family, that have not once let me forget how strong or stubborn I can be, and I have a wonderful man who has recently walked into my life, and has, without my request has been there for all my emotional 'AHHH'/pull my hair out moments. The truly floors me.

But I digress.

I came here to express just how much pain I'm feeling for my son. Poor little guy is being born without someone to call daddy.... and it breaks my heart. Its not like he wont have father figures, I mean, my brother, who might be over on the mainland, but theres one, and my daddy (or his grandpa) is a wonderful rolemodel as well, he has a a great cousin who is becoming a wonderful young man, and his uncle (my brother-in-law) can teach him all about hunting and fishing. And my man, well, he says things like "yeah, well, if we're still together in five years, be prepaired for all the lego your son is going to inherit"

I mean all those role models, and there are some excellent friends that are male and will be excellent role models as well, there are so many that I can't list everyone.... But.... No one to call daddy, and that just makes me sad for him. Its not pity, no matter how it sounds to anyone else.

Maybe its just a selfish feeling... I sure didn't think that I would ever be here, doing this alone. (yes I know, I'm not really alone, and there are tons of other women doing this too) But sometimes, laying in my empty bed, feeling my unborn son kick, I worry, I feel lonely, and I want to break down and cry. Most times I keep it together... but sometimes i can't.

I'm going to be a mum. I'm going to have to be superwoman. There is no two ways about it. I'm going to have to balance raising a child, work, a personal life, and so much more. I'm sure eventually I'll figure it out.... I just... I hope I can be the mother my child needs.

I can't promise that my son will have everything he wants, but I can promise him that there isn't a thing in this world that he could do that would ever make me love him less, or stop loving him. I haven't looked into his eyes yet, or held his tiny hands, nor have I hear him cry, or felt his tiny body next to mine... I just, I have this promise, that I'll do my best to protect him, but let him learn his own mistakes too, and that I'll always love him, and he may not get everything he wants, but he will have everything he needs, and I promise that I'll give my son memories that last a life time, and he'll know a mothers love, and have so much confidence that the world can't break him, and I'll just, I promise to do my absolute best, and then some.

I can't promise you the world son, But I can promise you that I'll try to get it for you, the moon the stars and the sky. <3

-S